Being truthful to yourself and those around you

They keep me strong

Today’s blog is somewhat different to what I usually write. It is of a more personal nature and using a recent experience to explain the importance of being true to yourself.

Picture the scene; me and Boo at lunch with a good friend when she explains that I have not been honest with friends or colleagues about how I feel or how I am coping. So, there I am in the middle of a restaurant on a busy Saturday afternoon trying not to suddenly cry. She was, of course, right. I have been so busy trying to reassure everyone that everything was fine and that I was beating this thing that has changed my life, that I hadn’t been truthful and become a victim of my own publicity. Friends and family have been drawn into my version of events which were not necessarily the whole picture. They weren’t told of my tears after watching a husband and wife walk their dog in the rain, or the huge responsibility I felt when Boo was told that my condition is probably hereditary so will need constant tests. I just smiled and said “it’s ok, I can deal with it” The smile in place all of the time but behind the mask I have been crumbling.

So back to my friend; she explained to me that I wasn’t helping myself by not being honest, for instance my work colleagues think I am ok, obviously this is not correct but of my own doing….

This has also extended to my husband as well. We have become so used to answering “yes, things are coming along” that we had started to fool ourselves. I didn’t acknowledge the looks of embarrassment or shock when people first saw me at a recent family party. As far as I was concerned it was because my hair was short or because I had a walking stick, not because people had been told that I was fine.

We also discussed that I never ask for help. I couldn’t disagree with her on this subject either. Now this is the sticky one for me. Everyone who knows me is fully aware that I am a control freak and want to look after everything without outside help. I find it really difficult to relinquish control or responsibility. But I realised as we were talking that she was absolute right. Only the day before I had tried to go shopping in a local supermarket, Boo was pushing the trolley and putting the goods in. I am sure that she looked very cute but people didn’t realise that she was doing it because I couldn’t. I hadn’t realised that through not asking for help my children had taken roles that I would normal fill.

So why am I telling you this?

Sometimes we confuse reality with the perception we actually give. This is because, maybe, we struggle to accept what is compared to what was. It is very difficult to change habits of a lifetime, not through choice but because your body will not comply. Take driving for instance, Boy would I like to get behind the wheel of my Mini and just drive, now where in particular but just drive…….window down, CD blaring and hand out catching the wind. This may happen in time but for now I need to stop telling people that I shall soon be driving again and to ask for lifts and help ferrying the children places.

I would like to publicly thank Pip who has made me realise that through trying to please everyone by telling them that everything was fine I was, in fact, making the situation more difficult. I have made the decision to tell people that I actually fell unwell, I look better not because I have put weight on but because my face is getting rounder due to meds and that I do need help.

Now, you may view this blog as out of character and somewhat depressing. Please don’t! Through this process I feel liberated and quite positive. I suppose it’s all about accepting that I can’t be the old Sarah. I won't be a new Sarah, just a different one. I still have the same dreams, ideals and goals. I shall just have to use a different route to get them. Now I shall achieve them with the help of friends because I would have kept my side of the deal by being truthful.