Do You See the Real Me Standing Before You?



It's still me, look into my eyes



WARNING ALERT...RANTING…WARNING ALERT 

Well the day I have been longing for came and went. The “Great return to Work”…..

For you to appreciate this post you need to understand the driver that was behind my never ending efforts to get back to work. My goal was to quite simply to return to my place of employment, or so you thought......

In my mind, I visualised me driving, walking in my high heels, suited and booted, managing a team of advisors and engaging in my usual banter with colleagues all over the building……erm, not quite.

So how was it? The first day I was just so pleased to be back that I was quite literally on cloud nine. I picked a black outfit out and packed my satchel…it was like the first day at school. My first meeting was great and I was thrust into what was happening and what was coming up…….BRILLIANT!!!  

But after four days of being back certain concerns started to creep in…..

Don’t get me wrong I am still overjoyed to be back amongst the land of living and to see my friends who have given me such a warm reception. It has been truly lovely but yes, they are still some concerns….

I seemed to have transformed into Sarah Hill, the one with an illness. I was expecting some to be embarrassed, insensitive or just plain old ignorant but this turn of events has taken me by surprise. At what point did I lose my identity and become a lesser person than I used to be? It is as if people are unable to look past the HUVs and see me. I am not talking about the H&S requirements; I know they are there to keep me safe; it is the general attitude of some people. I want to scream at the top of my voice.

"Your IQ, mental ability or professionalism is not directly linked to what your body physically can or cannot do”

Maybe I am being unfair and not allowing people time to adjust, I have, after all, had over a year to get used to this new way of life. It can be a shock for people when they first see me but I’m not sure that it is a good enough excuse?

My intention is not to upset, certain people have been absolutely brilliant by treating me exactly as they always have, but to explain that just because someone is different on the outside it does not mean their personality has changed too.

If people took the time to speak to me they would quickly realise that I still have the biting humour and a wit that can cut the air like a knife J

So, back to my original paragraph about returning to work. The realisation that my continual hard fight to get back was not going to turn out as I had expected, has been quite hard to handle. This has had a profound effect on me. Mark and I have had long conversations and calmly come to the conclusion that this could be as good as it gets and we will have to live with that.

On the very, very positive plus side I have a husband who is soooooo supportive and willing to scramble with, or should I say push, me up every hill that life throws at us.J

This is quite unusual for me and I need you to know that I am not giving up, sad or angry. I just need others to grasp the fact that they need to see further than what is in front of them. Normal service will be resumed next time with witty and humourous comments about me and those around me.....

I am going to end this post with a simple request… if you see me or others who are physically impaired and you feel uncomfortable about starting a conversation, please take a breath before you say something and imagine how you would like to be spoken to……

Thank you

Sarah©

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's Off to Work I Go

Family meal out to celebrate my return, especially like the chocolate all over Boo's chin....

The Personal Bit

The time is here, it has been 378 days since walking out of my office for a week’s annual leave. Tomorrow I am returning to work.

When I first fell ill I was thinking of returning to work, in terms of days which soon lead to weeks. I remember distinctly being told in October that I shouldn’t even think of returning until Christmas. Then the day came when the consultant looked at me in the way that only they can and asked “So, Sarah, how do you actually feel about work?”  I realised at the time that the question was not actually how I felt about work but how did I feel about not going back.

Those who have travelled the very uneven road with me over the past year know that my main goal has always been to get back to the “Office”, it has in fact been the one thing that has at times kept me going. It would have been so easy to locate the duvet, climb under it and hide for months on end, but for me this was not an option.

The pictures I have chosen for the post today are photos of the most beautiful tree in my neighbour’s garden. When I first fell ill it was bright red, the leaves fell and then in the spring returned. Today the leaves are just changing to their most beautiful again, like this time last year. Strangely, my year has followed this tree and tomorrow it will be my time to bloom again….ok I realise not a youthful bloom but as they say the older the flower etc!!!!!

I have been very lucky with the support both at home at work to get me back. I had always visualised me turning up in my car, skipping up the steps, H&S allowing, and jaunting back onto the floor to see all my friends and colleagues. Unfortunately that is still a daydream. This is probably the hardest thing that I have to accept. I am returning but not how I saw it in my head. Even though I am confident with the new me sometimes I can have a wobble. Others can struggle when they first clap eyes on me. I smile at the sympathetic looks, laugh at the jokes that are made and try my best to put others at ease. If they looked closely they would probably see that I. too, can be uncomfortable at times. Friends say “Baby Steps” and that getting back is an achievement but Boy! do I want to strut back on to that floor J Maybe roller skates are the answer????

To keep me focussed I am concentrating on one very important item on my itinerary…..what an earth am I going to wear. Does one make a statement “I’M BACK!!!!” or do I creep in and say a little “hi” to everyone….it’s all in the clothes you know J I have to admit there have been more than a few minutes staring at my wardrobe looking for inspiration. Now, I know that some of you will not understand this but when you dress casually for days on end suddenly having to organise a formal outfit is challenging but fun! It will definitely be black, why change the habit of a lifetime….

But seriously, how do I feel? Well, excited, nervous, confident and shy. It’s a bit like Christmas Eve, you can’t wait for the morning to arrive with all its promise but you still have that tiny little worry the present you asked for will, in fact, be the piece of coal you dread J

The Practical Bit

I always try and put something on my blog that help others in my position and through the support from work I have found a government department that helps disabled people get back to their Jobs. It is called Access to Work and can be found on the link at the bottom of the page.

I am currently in the process of sending details for help with travel as I am unable to drive, walk or use public transport to my office.

There are many schemes on the direct.gov website that can help and the local Benefits office will also have a disabled department that are there specifically to help people return to employment. I would definitely recommend phoning them for the advice they can give you.

The Other Personal Bit J

Something I haven’t confided before is that I always listen to really loud music when writing on this blog. The music normally mirrors the way I am feeling and naturally this creates the mood of the post. Today’s album is Avril Lavigne. It struck me that I really connected with the “Anything But Ordinary”. The lyrics are below

Sometimes I get so weird I even freak myself out

I laugh myself to sleep it's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast Just to feel the danger

I want to scream it makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe?

Somebody rip my heart out And leave me here to bleed Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough to die?

To walk within the lines Would make my life so borin' To the extreme (I feel) (I feel) (Ohh)

I want to know that I have been

So knock me off my feet

Come on now give it to me

Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? And leave me here to bleed Somebody save my life I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Somebody rip my heart out

Is it enough to die?

I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Let down your defenses Use no common sense If you look, you will see That this world is a beautiful, accident (La, la, la, la) turbulent, succulent, opulent permanent, no way (La, la, la, la) I wanna taste it Don't wanna waste it away yeah, yeah

I’ve chosen this record because it reminds me that I have been anything but ordinary fighting this condition over the past year and proven many people people wrong, including medical staff who thought only 2 months ago I wouldn’t make it. Only two weeks ago I was, in fact, being whisked back to the ER and wondering if this was it???? By being anything but ordinary I am coming back and in 15 hours and 40 minutes will be back amongst the living again.

I‘ve added the song to the post. My Husband has just suggested that I use the Eurythamic’s song “When Tomorrow Comes”.

Once again, thank you to everyone for the continued support and encouragement. Please come and say “Hi” if you see me in the corridors, I promise not to bite…….but lets remember some habits are very hard to give up J

I will post form the other side

Until next time

Sarah ©

www.direct.gov.uk/en/.../WorkSchemesAndProgrammes/DG_40003