Camille at the Crossroads

I remember posting on the blog a while ago about decisions and how every so often we have find ourselves at a crossroads. Do we go forward even though frightened by the prospects, stand still and wait or look to our left and right to see if there is anything on the horizon.

Last week I found myself at my own crossroad. But at mine there was no left or right turn. Do I take the leap of faith or sit tight waiting for the inevitable? It is truly amazing how many emotions you can have in such a short space of time when the consequences can be so high depending on the hand of fate you are given.  

So there I was in hospital having my latest round of treatment, admiring my sparkling slippers when my consultant perched on the end of my bed.  The conversation started in the usual way with the normal pleasantries when he, without warning or offer of crash helmet and knee pads, launched into the thoughts of my next treatment. It’s funny that your brain only picks up certain words as if they are floating across your vision in bold capitals and flashing like some errant motorway sign. “risk, stroke, death, brain bleed” all muscled out the words of encouragement like “remission, health, hope, quality of life”. It was as if the all the negativity had prepared beforehand to frighten the bejesus out of me for just for kicks.  I looked at him expecting there to be blood on my cheek after the surprise mugging I had just experienced.

It took a moment for me to regain my composure and in my usual fashion crack some inane joke.  I think it was “Oh Crap!! I’ve just got my hair to a style I actually like”. I could see he cared by the way he was picking at invisible flick on his trousers and the continued brushing away moment. Drs must have stomachs of steel to have deliver this sort of news without breaking down themselves, especially when they have worked so hard to try and make you better. It was at this point that I laughed, smirked, cried and sighed all in the space of 3 seconds.. He must have been close to screaming for Psych whilst backing up the cubicle. I was told to take a couple of days to think about it and we said our adieus.

I want to say that I then melted into a 1940’s film heroine like Camille, all swaying and elegant whilst falling into a theatrical fainting posture, perfect eyebrows and stained lips but no, I put my headphones on and continued to watch the snowboarding in Sochi. My usual defense mechanism had charged to my side to keep me sane in that very insane moment. It gave me a few minutes of brain meltdown whilst hiding behind the pretence of the Winter Olympics.

And this is when I found myself at the crossroads once again. Sitting there with sticky out hair, in rather snazzy pjs and a pensive furrow on my brow whilst I figure out how an earth I am going to tell Mark. How do I break the news to my parents and even worse my own children? Then my guardian angels appeared in the form of the renal nurses. They are brilliant, a complete law unto themselves and made my stay in hospital almost pleasurable with their wit, charm and genuine caring.  From being told of button wedding bouquets to Irish dads in a strop, they made me laugh from the time I entered the ward to the time I left. In my moment of uncertainty they sat with me, discussed the choice, arranged for a nurse specialist to have a chat and made it a little easier.

Dexy's Dungas

So what next?  To be honest in the usual day to day things we continue in the same vein as we have for sometime.  I try to have a normal life whilst intermittently being transported to hospital. The children continue to challenge as we would expect them to at this age and friends and family rally round.  I look and sound the same, smiling, joking and being my usual flippant self. But inside I am different. I cannot concentrate long before thoughts enter my head and push the original ones aside. It is normal and I know it will be this way for a while. I am very lucky that I have a small but strong support unit that listen to me babble, cry and laugh all at the same time.  I could drive myself insane with black thoughts, my private fears and the “what ifs” but why would I want to waste my time doing that. I do not want to look back at any stage and regret my actions. Ironically Gabrielle Alpin’s Power of Love has just come onto my sound system as I am typing this sentence and it reflects my sentiments exactly. If we can say we have loved in our lives then it is a life fulfilled.

Last week a writer and actor named Harold Ramis died of Vasculitis. You will probably know him from the films Ghostbusters 1 and 2, which he wrote and starred in. Like me, he was diagnosed in 2010. Unlike me he was not able to say out loud that he was a sufferer. It must have been very frustrating to have this disease and be silent.  I know his death affected a lot of Vascultis sufferers who became aware of their own mortality.  Ironic for me to have my news in the same week. You can rest assured I will not be silent J

If I could have one thing it would be to have the big man back so I could chat with him. He would know exactly how I am feeling. I could really do with Mr. J around at the moment. I am sure he is looking down and supporting me in ways that I am unaware of.

Birthday antics

So here I am after celebrating another birthday with beautiful gifts from my nearest and dearest. I have fought my own personal battle for another year and won. I even bought a pair of dungarees for the first time since Dexy Midnight Runners were singing about Eileen.  When faced with adversity I seem to challenge it with a boisterous exterior. So this week it has been full make up and high heels. It’s weird that I look the best I have for ages, never judge a book by its cover J

I am moving from blind panic to philosophical. I am setting myself challenges over the next few months. Keeping my mind and body busy can only be beneficial. A new ink that depicts me, a vegetable and salad garden in which Boo can get her hands dirty, a room that Jake feels proud of and date nights with my wonderful husband. Life goes on and that is how it should be.

Never before has CARPE DIEM meant so much to me and my closest circle. It is so important to live life to the maximum, if you are unhappy with yours then change it, you only get one. Even if I live to 100 I want to look back and say I lived my life the way I wanted.  I loved, laughed and made a difference even if it was very small.

xxx