 |
| Changing Faces |
Goodness where do I begin today?
I would say as in the infamous line “let’s start at the very
beginning, a very good place to start” but that doesn’t seem appropriate. My
life is a constant journey of twists and turns and this post will probably
follow suit.
Today I have assumed the position in the back of the house in my kitchen room/conservatory
where the morning light is bright and the sound and freshly laundered smells
coming from the tumble dryer envelope me in all thoughts of home. I am bruised,
battered and tired from another prolonged attack yesterday but after 4 hours
sleep I am in mum mode cajoling, screaming and pushing Mark and the children
out of the door for the day.
My girls are asleep beside me making the odd movement as
they chase rabbits in their dreams. The day has a slight ash colouring to it
heralding colder weather will soon be here.
The weather was exactly the same this time 4 years ago when I
fell ill. I remember it well as I first started to feel off colour as I was
enjoying lunch on the local seafront with Mark and my Dad. It seems a world
away that happened yesterday. The sun
beating down, a soft breeze and laughter.
Overnight something happened that changed our world forever.
Our normality became completely abnormal and our safe zone was one of panic for
others. It has been said that you do not know your own strength until facing
real adversity. Little did I know that I would be facing mine every day. That was
34,944 hours…not to many if you say it really quickly.
So here I am, four years, almost to the day, later with the
biggest battle yet to come. We have fought
bureaucratic minefields, red tape that has tied us up in loops and medical
barriers. Mark and I have challenged all decisions, goods and bad, to ensure
that the best possible outcome is achieved. It is extremely tiring and I look over at my
once fresh faced husband who looks tired, worried and worn. But is you look
closer he still has the warmth, the twinkle of humour, fight and love holding
us all together. I thank my stars for him every day. Lesser men would have
walked away but this amazing bloke has been by my side all the way and ensures
that I have a fighting chance.
At the moment we are waiting for the phone to trill with
news of the stem cell bone marrow transplant (which from this moment I shall
call the autologous graft, it’s easier to type). Whilst waiting, due to a
frustrating change in the funding process, we have realised what a risky
procedure it is and that even a black eye can make all the difference ( I will
come on to that later). The delay meant that I got to spend the summer holidays
with my two ruffians, watching them chill out, break bones, laze away the days
and general keep me on my toes.
During my time I have been very fortunate to have been
supported even during the most difficult of circumstances. My parents have been amazing, event to the
point of taking the Rugrats on their summer holiday abroad…..twice….suckers for
punishment!!!! My Dad is constantly up at Resus with me passing he time
playing “Eye Spy” and other inane games
to pass the time and stop our brains registering the severity of what is going on.
This is the man who once made me run out of hospital after a tonsillectomy,
flowers bouncing behind me, because he hated hospitals…..how things have
changed Dad?
My constant buddies. Caz, Philly, Lisa, Pip, Debs and Tons instinctively know what to say to
me.
Boo’s second family, Berta, Becky and Aimless who wrap her
up in their arms when ever needed. I’ve mentioned Caz but she also needs
recognition for taking Jake under her wing as well as her and Philly grabbing
Boo at the last minute and having her sleep at theirs. All to try and keep my
kids sane and in a routine.
There are many other who have helped over the years. It wouldn’t
be right if I didn’t mention those who were there for me in the early days. I have
to say thank you to Jax Gates who gave up her time and supported me in the early
confusion.
To “celebrate” the 200th admission to A&E I took
up the promised cakes and card to the team. Then Boo and I did the same for the
local Paramedics. I thanked them for their patience and care and explained without
them I am not sure if I would have made it this far. They have all, and I mean
all, been involved and are as much a part of the journey as anyone else.
Then we come on the my FB buddies, there are so many of you I
am afraid to miss anyone but there are a couple who make me laugh out loud even
in the darkest hours. Sadie you do it every time as well as you “prove
it man”. Kath , you make this Kim cackle at regular intervals. Everyone at VUK
have and continue to support me so I thank them too. I cannot miss off my very
own neon pink bus wanker, Grimesy!!!!
 |
| 3 weeks later |
Right, black eye!!!!
I said it would come back to it. It’s one of those stories that seem impossible.
On a passing whim, always dangerous, Boo and I decided to pop into a well know
home improvement store. We were having a nice time pottering about when I had
the “bright” idea to have a look at some carpet tiles. All was going well when “CRACK”!!!!!!
one fell from the top shelf and the hit my cheek bone. “Its only a carpet” tile I hear you think.
Yep that is what I thought until I saw the reaction of both Boo and Staff…….to
put this way it was a close call on whether she had broken my cheek bone….. I was
not a pretty picture. The poor duty
manager looked like he was going to faint, even more so when I went back the
next day with my eye and cheek the colour of squid ink…..4 weeks later I still
look like I’ve done 4 rounds with Mike Tyson. Poor old Mark has been getting
funny sideways looks wherever we go….another line for his brow I think.
While I sit here in the calm of the house laughing at the
memories I am typing it is hard to imagine that I get blue days, or as my Dad
calls them the “why me?” days. I am
looking around the room at my ramshackle house that would never win any “show
room” title and see that it is not held together with bricks and mortar but
love and resilience. I am seated at the computer
table sandwiched between the fridge and the bookcase. The latter filled with
DVDs and books but topped with sports trophies that the children have won.
Cycle helmets lay nearby from all three of my ruffians. Little trinkets the
children have made over the years. The fridge is adorned with hand written letters,
photos, paintings and a recent addition of a get well card from Holland. The
dogs sofa is behind me with both dogs wound up like little coils, noses tucked
in, snoring. Even through the shouting,
eyebrow raising and general teenage/youth angst this house is one of love. I left it to get married, hobbled over the threshold
to have both my children then bounced back with them in my arms. It was my
haven when I fell ill, and optimises the word “Home”.
I will be leaving it soon for treatment and not returning
for some time. I also face the risk of not returning. It is during the blue
days that this pops into my thoughts. I have a quick grizzle then brush myself
down and move on. I strongly believe
that half the battle is attitude. I have always been extremely stubborn and
this had really helped me over the past 4 years.
With up and coming events my posts maybe short or even
missing. I hope to resume the video blogs to bring awareness to autologous
grafts for people who have auto-immune diseases. It won’t be pretty but fingers
crossed it will raise the profile.Being very “Chemille” like and dramatic, with a slight swoon, if this is the last post then all I can say is that I have had a blast. I have probably laughed and packed more into the last four years than most people. I have found an inner strength that I didn’t know I had and hope I have passed the “never give in” attitude to Boo and Jake. I have learnt to walk away from the incidental and not focus on things that bring me down. I have found new friends, reunited with others, let friends go and realised what is truly important.
The future??? Who knows??? It won’t be boring or mundane. It will be a fight but even then I foresee
funny moments and times of tears. I will continue to flit between my two personas,
Sarah and Gracie-Lou. I hope to grow old completely ungracefully, maybe some
more ink Mr Gilbert?
One thing is for sure…… I will be adorned with glorious handbags and fabulous shoes x
One thing is for sure…… I will be adorned with glorious handbags and fabulous shoes x
Until next time fellow HUVS facebookers
Signing out for now……xxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment