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| the first year in |
It is almost 3 years since my life suddenly changed. 1,061 days to be exact. So much has happened during this time. Good, bad and sometimes even ugly. Seasons have come and gone turning the landscape from brown to white to green then back to brown. People have entered and left my life. Sometimes with smiles other times with tears but all have had a massive impact on me during the past 36 months.
I sit now in the back of my house with my constant companions at my feet. The clouds are scurrying across the blue sky turning my surroundings into light and shade. The children are amusing themselves and being worryingly quiet. It is at moments like this that I know HUVs has changed me. The changes can be positive or negative depending who you are and how you view my situation. No longer do I rush around and charge at everything at 100 miles an hour. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a short patience time and even shorter temper but I have learnt to appreciate things and people around me.
I have seen those closest to me swing from joy to worry in a blink of an eye. I have been supported, loved, judged, taken out, taken in and made to feel special. There is nothing to compare when you see your children, faces at the window, palms flat against it cold surface watching you being taken away from them. This was their first experience of me with HUVS. How things have changed. Their worlds have been shaken upside down and they’ve landed in a strange and frightening place. Resilience won through and they have made me proud time and time again. They have behaved amazingly, better than some adults, held my hand reassuring me when it should have been me holding them tight and telling them that everything would be ok. I don’t blame people who criticize. It is not their fault; they cannot possibly understand the decisions we have to make. There are no bad feelings.
We never expected people to truly understand what we, as a family, go through. It has made us stronger. Strangely I know my children will be able to face anything.
The first year was hard in a strange new world where our boundaries had changed. Our lives were now in the hands of strangers. Ironically over the three years we saw those strangers more than our nearest and dearest. They have been our constant support in the frightening arena of life and death. My children have seen and heard things that I never wanted them to. It is easy to judge from afar and sometimes we had no choice.
During this time my soul mate has been there 100% of the way. He has always been there to enclose me in a cocoon of security. Fighting my corner, in both medical and personal relationships. He always was my knight in shining armor but he has gone way beyond that. Lesser people have either not been there at all or walked away.
Humour has seen us through. My dad has been great. He has conquered his fear of needles, I am sure that the “good boy” stickers helped. Even when his eyes have shown concern he has joked with me and the Resus team. One of the best moments was when he theatrically swung back the p[partition curtain to reveal my grandmother in the next bed. It was like a surreal family reunion. You couldn’t make it up. I know it is difficult for Mark, as my husband, to see the drama unfold but I cannot imagine what it must be like for a parent watching their child fight and having to face the worst nightmare a parent can have. Now imagine having to face that several times per week.
There was one moment that stands out and left me utterly speechless. It was last year when I was nominated and won an award. The entire room broke out chanting my name. It profoundly effected me. That amazing night sort of underlined the importance of the work that I was doing. I have always been driven but now my focus is on things that are worthwhile. This blog, for instance, has helped others and I know my professional experiences have shaped peoples thoughts and actions. It is hugely rewarding.
So here I am 3 years after entering a world of constant change. I am currently out of the office due to back breaks and other minor problems. Still itching to be back as quickly as I can. This time I am more patient and understand the need to rest and recuperate.
Time has slipped by very quickly this summer and soon the children will be searching sleepy eyed for their uniforms and school books. The end of summer feeling comes earlier every year even though we still have a few precious hot sunny days to come. We lament the end of the season as we view autumn through rose tinted glasses. For me this time of year is about reflection. What was, is and could have been. I remember all the good times, try to forget the hurt that sometimes has appeared and visualize what has still yet to come.
I am very excited about the next year in my on-going fight against HUVs. My horizons are opening up and I am feeling good. I remain positive and know my family and friends will be there by my side no matter what happens.
The next 12 months will be continue to be a roller coaster and I am sure that I will get to next number of 200 visits to A&E but it doesn’t matter. We will continue to celebrate the highs, forget the lows and not even acknowledge the mediocre.
Thank you to everyone who has buckled up for the ride with me. There are so many to mention but here are a few…..
Mark, Caz, Mum and Dad, Pauline, Ann-Marie, Jax, Tonia, Philly, La Gaga, Pip and not forgetting my wonderful off spring. There is one other person who I could never forget. He understood the whole plot and was always in the wings to jump in and support at any time of the day. That is my absolutely brilliant friend and sick buddy Mr. Johnson. KTF all the way.
Life is good people. Remember this as we roll down to the end of the summer. Grab your days and shake them by the scruff of the neck. Enjoy everyone of them like it is your last,. Love those around you, smile more often, hug your children like you never want to let go and look into the eyes of your soul mate so they know when you say you love them you mean every syllable.
I love my life and the people in it.
I am one lucky lady x
