It's snow joke with 4 of them.....

A cold walk on New Year's Day

Wow, where did that time go???? The last time we visited this Blog we were hurtling towards Christmas with anticipation of happy times. If you live in the UK you will know that three things had different ideas. Firstly the weather, it rained over the whole festive period, the Norovirus which put so many people to bed and the flu which seemed to take the rest out.

For the Hills it was a quiet time apart from hospital visits on the most important days but we are used to that.

As I sit here typing the sky is full of snow blending against the seagulls that are swooping up and down. They are surfing the air currents and look like they are hanging in midair. The house is warm and I feel cocooned against the elements outside. Me and the dogs, yes I said dogs as we now have two. I will come onto that later, are snuggled all on the sofa listening to the gulls scream and the fire pushing it’s warmth towards us. I love moments like this. It is one of my picture memory moments that I take with me and fish out of the back pocket when needed. Restful, calm and serene in my world of frenzied activity.

The news this time is mixed. Let’s start with the good news. Well, in my last blog I told you all that I had won an award. A few weeks ago I was informed that I had been nominated through the award for the same category but the national award. The event took place last Thursday and yet again to my complete surprise I won. It’s unbelievable. I am EDF Energy’s B2C Inspiration Award winner of 2012. Crazy…

This came at a really good time as I was in a rather dark place. The HUVs has taken control recently and I have been feeling rather poorly. I have required A&E intervention, with more meds, every 3-4 days. Apart from the actual reactions I am more and more aware of the interruption that Mark and children have to suffer. Especially Jacob, who spends three evenings a week on his own in the house. He doesn’t seem to mind as long as we bring food home with us J

The medics and nurses greet us like friends at the hospital. They even ask where Boo is. She is a bit of a star there and definitely behaves like she owns the place. This is concerning and a relief in equal measures. I am pleased that the medical side doesn’t frighten or worry her but feel sad that she is so used to it she doesn’t react like a child of her age would.

So anyway, I needed to cheer myself up……..over the past year I have been bleating on about wanting a small dog that I can interact with. Well, just after the New Year I saw a little tanned dog on a rescue website that had been at the centre for a few months. After some pleading from me, Boo and my friends Mark finally relented and let me contact the person in charge of the shelter. Within two days Tika had joined our family and the whirlwind that is the Hill household. She is a 9 month old cross Jack Russell and Chihuahua. I call her my “cut and shut” dog. Four weeks later it is like she has been with us for ever. She is best friends with Roxy, who has found the child within, and likes nothing better than splitting her time with you on the sofa snuggling and running riot by play fighting with Roxy around the house. She is a crazy little animal who fits in perfectly.

Who is taking who from a walk?

So where am I healthwise? I have struggled recently both physically and mentally. The physical side is down to my body being really tired. The injections are proving harder and harder as I have to do so many. This is compounded that my flying visits have seen re reactions once in the hospital that require more intravenous medication. This is ok compared to the psychological impacts. These have been harder to quash and forget. I get tired of coping and have been having “why me” days. After a few tears have fallen I ordinarily pull myself together and I am ok for a couple of days. Someone recently warned me that there was a possibility that all the confusion and grief would hit me from behind like a two ton truck. Well, it happened recently. Not that I retired under my duvet for days on end, or that I cried incessantly until there was a pool of tear and tissues at my feet. What happened was I imploded. Shouted at Mark and the children, cried and became aggressive in my speech and general behaviour. I am still not out of the woods but have found the trail of breadcrumbs due to the fact that I have accepted that I can’t do this alone and need a bit of support to help me through this darker time. I have managed the last 2 ½ years with the help of Mark, my family and true friends but there is only so much they can do. I am grieving the old Sarah and the life that she led. I am grieving for the future and the life that I foresaw. I am grieving for the life that may be shortened and I am grieving for all those who grieve alongside me. This all sounds very maudlin but it is a basic fact that if you have a long term incurable condition your psyche has to allow you to clear space to carry on and this is one way of doing it.

There is a very well known piece of work called “The Seven Stages of Grief”. Although written for people and their loved ones facing the prospect of death it can be used for something lost like one’s planned future.

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

It is important to take time to reflect the changes and how you have dealt with them. The one constant is time, it is how we ebb and flow within time that allows us to move forward with acceptance and confidence that we can roll with what life throws at us.

So, back to the life of the Hills…..

In the past few weeks the children have had fun with the snow. We had snow on the ground for almost a week and even the children stayed in doors by the end. It was fun while it lasted with the child even in the most pole faced of adults smile and start throwing snowballs whilst ducking behind cars and garden walls.

And the snow began to fall...

We are back to the usual rain and wind with the odd shower of white fluttering down. It is the time of year for layers with the wind blowing making the grey give way to blue and the abandonment of heavier garments only for them to be replaced and back to square one moments later.

Going forward we will have times of disruption with hospital treatments, football tournaments and the general mayhem of school half term holidays.

My scooter will be out for family rides, stopping only for hot chocolate and cakes. The children and dogs will be flying off in all different directions, only to bother returning when hungry, and Mark will stay by my side with a look of resignation knowing that we will be repeating the process all over again a few days later.

Anyway time to sign off again, lunch is calling and I never ignore food…….

Until next time.

Sarah